Criss-Crossed Curse

Heavier than everything that happened,

Nastier, and more lasting in its sting

Than anything I have ever personally suffered,

Is my sense of betrayal. It lights up when I remember you…

Why did you set me up?

I know you didn’t mean to. I know you would feel hurt to know this,

But the truth is, you tricked me.

Why did you lie to me about something so deep?

You didn’t know that I would believe you…

That has to be it. Because you wouldn’t mislead me on purpose.

I know you wouldn’t. But you did.

Why did you teach me something you didn’t believe with your whole heart…?

WHY DID YOU GIVE ME EMPTY HOPE?

KNOWING EXACTLY WHAT WE FACED. KNOWING EXACTLY HOW WE BOTH CRIED FOR RELIEF…

You told me there was relief. You told me you believed. You told me so many times.

You watched me grow strong in my trust. You watched me learn… You watched me learn more about it than you even knew. Eventually.

BUT YOU DIDN’T BELIEVE. NOT WITH YOUR WHOLE HEART.

And instead of saying “I don’t know.” YOU SAID “YES!” Beautifully, “YES! My love.” Sincerely, “YES! My heart.” With all resolution and faith, you said “Yes, Little Duende, YES!”

WHY DID YOU PUT ME IN THIS? WHY DID YOU BRING ME TO THE ALTAR, TO SPILL MY BLOOD, AGAIN? WHY DID YOU NOT SAY “I REALLY DON’T KNOW…”, instead?

Why did you put me on a boat, ANY boat, you were not willing to board with me?

Why didn’t you believe, like I did? Why did you trick me?

Do you know who I am now? Do you know what power you gave to me?

JUST TO TELL ME IT’S NOT REAL ANYMORE. JUST TO TELL ME YOU DIDN’T KNOW.

JUST TO TELL ME… I’ll never see you again. I thought I would see you again.

I can’t think of  a time I’ve said this,

And I will never say it with anything but sadness and anger with myself, for my bitterness,

But I don’t know if I can forgive this. I want to. I know I should.

But in my heart, I don’t know.

And if I can’t forgive you, I have fallen so short.

I have fallen, again.

You told me… You showed me…

You said there was love… You said there would be relief.

Peace. Forever, together. ALL OF US, FUCK.

You didn’t know how deeply I could believe.

Why can’t I find it in myself to blame you, to forgive you, to forget all this?

BECAUSE I FUCKING BELIEVE. I BELIEVE WITH MY CROSSED HEART,

I BELIEVE WITH MY FORKED TONGUE,

I BELIEVE WITH MY OWN RED BLOOD ON THE LINE, AND THE WIRE IS TEARING US APART BECAUSE

YES, beautifully, YES, sincerely, YES, with all resolution and FAITH, YES YES YES

I STILL BELIEVE.

I believe in this power you gave to me.

And for this, I may never see you again.

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